Children need their fathers, whether they live with them or apart from them.

Countless studies show that if their dad is involved with them, children do better – not just as children but throughout their whole lives.

When dad takes an active interest in their children’s lives:
• children have better relationships with their young friends and, in fact throughout their lives;
• children seem to be happier in themselves;
• children do better at school and in their exams; and
• as they get older, children are less likely to come into contact with the police and be involved in crime;

You may not realise that when you – a dad – are helping care for or just having fun with your young child, you are actually positively impacting on their development and future life experiences.

Psychologists have also looked at what mothers and fathers do with their children and have come to the conclusion that children thrive on warmth, nurturing and closeness and that it does not matter whether the parent they get this from is a mother or a father. In fact, it is good for children to be closely ‘attached’ to more than one parent.

In the past psychologists often thought that young boys needed a ‘manly’ father; now it is more generally recognised that a close relationship with a father is much more important for boys than having a father who  acts like a ‘real man’. Similarly, a close relationship with a father can help young girls when they develop relationships with male partners in the future.

Being an involved dad at home

Research also suggests that dads who live with their children undertake one-third of the childcare with their under fives.

Whether it really is one-third or not, you are much more likely than in your father’s day to see a man pushing a buggy in the streets, shopping in the supermarket or playing in the park with his young children. In the past, fathers used to be thought of as distant figures.

Despite the fact that a growing number of dads are more involved in the care and education of their young children, lot of dads are still not sure how to do things with their young children – perhaps because they never had the example of their own fathers.

Here are some thoughts that might help you:

• Suggest to your female partner that she go out for the evening while you stay home to baby sit. This will not only give you the chance to look after your children on your own but it will be a chance for your partner to leave you in sole charge which may be something she finds hard to do. You will get the chance to develop your confidence in looking after your children, and your partner should learn to feel more confident in leaving you in charge of the children.
• At the weekends – or whenever you are not at work – suggest to your partner that you will look after or play with the children. Weather permitting, you could take the children to the local playground or park, otherwise stay and play with the children at home. Not only will this give you the chance to develop your relationship with your children but it will also give your partner a break, especially if she has been caring for the children during the week.
• If you live apart from your children, try to visit them regularly. You do not need to spend lots of money on them. Instead, create opportunities to do things together – perhaps you can take them to your new home or the park or perhaps there is a playgroup, aimed at separated fathers. Do your best to establish a working relationship with your ex-. Although you may no longer be partners, you are still co-parents.

Young children will not want you to buy expensive presents for them – even if you could afford them. What they want most is to spend time with you. Even if you do not think of yourself as a skilled parent, remember that your children will think of you as a hero. They will want you to show them that they are important to you – and there is no better way of doing this than spending time with them.

Getting involved in a your child’s group

A parent and toddler group, nursery or pre-school may not be your first choice for spending time with your child however it gives you an amazing insight into your child’s personality and shows you what they like doing and how they like to play and interact with others.

Childcare staff will be very pleased to see you because they understand the important role and value men bring to the group, and the mothers and other female carers will be very pleased to see you, a new face, too.

The children are always pleased to have special or new visitors to the group. Your own child will probably feel really proud that his dad has come to see where she / he play.

And, of course, all the evidence suggests that young children benefit from a father who is involved in all areas of their lives.

Parent and Toddler groups

Parent and Toddler groups – sometimes called Stay and Play groups – often meet up for a few hours during the day and are attended by a parent/carer who stays for the length of the session accompanying one of more young children usually under the age of three.

As with most groups, most parents coming along are likely to be female and they will be pleased to see a father or male carer bringing his children. Some fathers and male carers are only able to attend such a group occasionally.

This can make it more of a challenge to get to know other parents and carers who attend however many parents coming along welcome the chance to meet new people in a relaxed environment.

If you are able to attend regularly – perhaps because you work shifts or because you are staying home to look after the children – you may start to overcome any initial discomfort at being one of the few men (if not the only man) attending as you get to know others.

Remember that your child in particular will be pleased that you are there. And you may find that by attending the group you get new ideas of things that you could do with your child at home too.

There are also a few father and toddler groups, some of which take place on a Saturday morning as attendance at a group meeting on a weekend can be easier for many fathers and other male carers. You may be interested in starting up such a group in your locality if it does not already exist.

For ideas on how to go about this, contact your local branch of the Pre-school Learning Alliance or contact their National office on 020 7697 2500.

Pre-schools and nurseries

Children can be left at a pre-school or nursery in the care of trained staff for a few hours or – depending on the group – possibly for the whole day. Many pre-schools and nurseries encourage the participation of parents as volunteers in their regular sessions.

They will particularly welcome male volunteers as males are all too rare in this predominantly female world. Your child – and other children – will also enjoy your presence because children particularly love the opportunity to play with a male.

You may feel uncomfortable entering a pre-school or nursery until you ‘know the ropes’. This is a hurdle that all new parents, male and female, need to overcome.

Most pre-schools and nurseries, hold introduction sessions with a family before a child officially starts at the group and then, once a child has started, parents’ evenings and special one-off events such as a sports day or nativity play. Do try to attend these wherever possible. Remember that your presence is important – it will help to make a real difference in your child’s life, quite apart from the pleasure you and your child will get from it and how pleased other staff and parents will be to see you getting involved.

If you are able to offer your services as a volunteer, some groups have a booklet explaining to parent volunteers how everything works and what the volunteer might be expected to do. Even if this is not the case, the set up will be explained to you and staff will no doubt try to match any preferences you have with what the early years setting needs.

While men can often feel as though they ‘sticking out like a sore thumb’ in a predominately female early years setting, staff and female carers, as well as children, will be happy to see you and it will only be a matter of time before you feel right at home.