It’s all too easy to feel anxious about your child’s development, especially when there are so many competitive mothers around eager to brag about their children’s early accomplishments.

You know the type – their darling was sleeping through at 12 weeks, walking at 10 months and potty trained by 18 months, while yours, it seems is missing all the important ‘milestones’.

Why are some mums so competitive?

“Competitive mothers”, says counsellor Lynne Harris, “are women who see their child as an extension of themselves and so bragging about what their child can achieve helps bolster their own self-image.” The reality is all mothers feel concerned about development, which is why it’s a subject that fills us with such anxiety. What’s important is to not let other mothers dictate where your child should be and why.

How can I relax about my child’s development?

Keep telling yourself that despite what other mums tell you your child will walk/talk and sleep through the night (think of it this way how many ten year olds do you know who aren’t toilet trained and able to speak?) and what’s more, they’ll do it in their own time. To help yourself become familiar with the common markers are for physical, social and speech development, and use this as a rough guide for you and your child.

Is there anything I should look out for?

Look for difficulties that your child is experiencing compared to the majority of his/her friends such as:

• Skills that other children the same age find easy
• Problems with understanding, hearing or talking
• His/her ability to interact with other children and adults
• Motor skills that other kids his/her age find easy

What should I do if I feel something is wrong?

As a mum, you know your child best so if you feel your child is behind in his development in some way then discuss your concerns with your GP and health visitor. Though bear in mind that some children are late developers and often children born prematurely need more time to reach various developmental stages.

What can my GP and health visitor do?

Aside from ensuring your child is screened for all the routine tests for hearing, social and motor skills, if there is a problem they can refer your child to a Child Development Centre. Here the appropriate psychologist, physiotherapist, speech and language therapist or occupational therapist can assess your child further and give you the right advice and help.

How to feel less anxious about development

1. Accept your child will do things in his/her own time. “I have three kids and none of them walked, talked or slept through at the same age. My four year old didn’t talk till she was two and half years old but slept through from four months, while the other two spoke by their first birthdays but didn’t sleep through till they were three and I did the same things with all three kids.” Samantha, 32.
2. Don’t pore over your child’s development it will only magnify your anxieties. Instead celebrate what your child can do, not what he/she can’t yet do. “My two year old daughter can’t kick or catch a ballor run without falling over. I was getting so anxious about it until my husband pointed out that she can count to 20 and have a conversation with me, which is pretty good for someone still in a nappy.” Fiona, 30.
3. Steer clear of mothers who make you feel bad.
4. Don’t compare your child to other children all the time; it stops you seeing your child for who he/she is.
5. Try not to be goal orientated with your child it puts him/her under too much pressure to perform. You need to let your child know you accept and love him/her whatever he/she can do.
6. Don’t be afraid to see an expert if you feel that something is wrong.

Further help

• I CAN (a charity for children with speech and language difficulties)
• British Stammering Association
• Dyspraxia Foundation (developmental coordination disorders)