Will a baby change my relationship?

Your questions answered by Suzie Hayman of Greatvine.com

How will my relationship change once I’ve had my baby?

I wish I had a penny for all the people who say “A baby isn’t going to change our lives…” and then find out how wrong they are! Having a baby will change your life, your family and your relationship profoundly - but that doesn't mean it has to be for the worst. It does mean, however, that if you explore how it might do so, as you are wisely doing, you’ll be forewarned and forearmed. You can then be in control and able to manage the change for the best.

The odd one out

Having a baby may mean your couple relationship feels less important, for a time. The danger is that if you put it on the backburner, it may not be there once you go back to retrieve it once your child has grown a bit. Having a baby is inviting a third person to come into your home and your relationship - there’s no two ways about it. Love can stretch infinitely so that no-one needs miss out or get less love; but your time and your attention will be split and so unless you take care it can feel to some people as if they are being left out.

Mum may carry the baby but Dad helped put it there so it’s really important to see this as ‘baby makes three’, not ‘baby makes two’. Resist the tendency for some relatives and even some professionals, to only talk to, consult, support or congratulate Mum. Dads often get left out and that can be the beginning of a slippery slope, for men to feel that gaining a child means losing a partner.

Making time for each other

Since babies are so helpless and their demands can be so immediate and insistent we may get into the habit of always giving instant attention to them and not noticing when a partner needs us as well. The belief may be that they will wait while the baby will not. Do this once too often and the partner may feel they no longer have a place, and may drift away. It’s important to go on leaning on and loving your partner as much as you once did, and to make time to be with them as a couple as well as co-parents.

There’s another reason it’s so important to foster your own private, intimate relationship as a couple. Some parents find themselves drifting towards only seeing themselves as Mum and Dad, rather than John and Jane, once a baby enters their relationship. This can lead to your conducting your entire relationship through them and losing sight of each other as partners and lovers. Once they become older and no longer need you, you may find yourselves unable to connect without the bridge they provide. A little bit of selfishness in staking out time for yourselves as individuals and together as a couple makes your relationship better, and your family stronger.

Stay young

Having a baby may help you understand your own parents better, and may allow you to finally feel ‘grown up’. Having a baby sometimes leads people to ‘put aside childish things’ or demand their partners do so, and this can actually be a loss. You should still be silly and romantic and foolish sometimes. Indeed, you’ll be a better parent as well as a happier lover and partner if you can remember what it was like to be - and still occasionally behave as - your younger selves.

Suzie Hayman

Suzie Hayman is a Relate-trained counselor; Triple P accredited parenting educator and ‘agony aunt’ with more than 20 years of experience. The author of 26 parenting and relationship books and a counselor on the BBC series ‘Stepfamilies’, Suzie offers parenting and relationship advice that works. For individual advice you can trust, book a private phone call with Suzie at www.greatvine.com/suzie_hayman