It feels like the spark's gone - what can I do? - baby/6-months-old

It feels like the spark's gone - what can I do?

Your questions answered by Suzie Hayman of Greatvine.com

I’m so tired and it feels like the spark’s gone out of our relationship. What can I do?

Having a baby is exhausting! It’s physically demanding, whether you’re giving birth or holding the hand of the person who is doing so. It’s then emotionally as well as bodily draining to be in sole charge of a helpless babe, whose screams for comfort or food or reassurance we have to interpret and satisfy. The spark can go for several reasons.

One is simply tiredness, on both your parts.
Two is the fact that you feel so utterly focused on your baby and on being a good parent that you have little energy or attention to spare for anything else.
The third is that being so responsible can make you feel scared and incompetent, and neither emotion is very conducive to sexual arousal.

How to turn things around

You can turn it all around but it takes some time and effort. It can help to recognise it took 9 months plus whatever time it is since you gave birth to put you in this situation so allow yourself some time to get out of it.

Firstly - address your actual tiredness. New parents need sleep. You both need to work out a plan that gives each of you as much as you require - 6 or 7 or 8 hours a night. But that may not have to be in one stretch - try cat napping in the day. Also, take turns when one and then the other takes sole command. Even if you’re breast feeding, it can help to know your partner is in charge every other night to take care when baby wakes just for a cuddle. And don’t hesitate to use ear plugs or eye masks to stay down and under when it’s your turn. You should also ask grandparents, and even other relatives who offer, to look after a child for a day or a night to allow you to get some rest.
Once you’re less tired, make some effort to be with each other as a couple rather than just a pair of child-carers. It’s easy to lose the spark when you never have any time to be alone together. Think about the least time you made mad, passionate love and recreate some of the elements - a night out, a bath together or sharing a massage. Remind yourself that you both deserve this, focus on what you’d like and give that to your partner - they’ll get the message.

Suzie Hayman

Suzie Hayman is a Relate-trained counselor; Triple P accredited parenting educator and ‘agony aunt’ with more than 20 years of experience. The author of 26 parenting and relationship books and a counselor on the BBC series ‘Stepfamilies’, Suzie offers parenting and relationship advice that works. For individual advice you can trust, book a private phone call with Suzie at www.greatvine.com/suzie_hayman