More than just the terrible twos?

Your questions answered by Bill Goodyear of Greatvine.com.

My daughter throws wild tantrums at home and in public, refuses to eat food and is a little slow with her speech. I feel so worn down by her behavior – how can I tell if it’s more than just the ‘terrible twos?’

You can tell if there is something different about your daughter by trying really had to help her to learn the social rules and watching her language development in comparison to other children of her age. However, remember that the speed of development in children can vary considerably and what matters most is that she gets there, not how fast she travels.

Children throw tantrums – it can be sign of a strong personality developing, and it can be a sign of a gap in comprehension, but all children fight the idea that they are not the only important person in the world, and all children respond well to this way of managing them - only the time they take to accept it varies:

Be consistent

Whenever she starts to have a tantrum, respond in the same way. Never say ‘ can’t be bothered’ or ‘it’s too embarrassing’ and don’t avoid the fight.

Be accepting

She is having a tantrum, she is upset, and it is horrible for her. You do have to do something about it, and it is horrible for you, but don’t resent it, just do what is needed with love.

Be clear

Do and say what you need to so that she notices it – when you are in the middle of a tantrum you don’t have much spare capacity for noticing someone else, so simplify what you say and be very clear in your actions.

Be nice

You also having a tantrum helps no one. Smacking is not the answer either – pain interferes with learning and represses bad feelings. Remain clear, calm and consistent and be ready to drop the fight as soon as you can.

Mean it

Don’t ever say no, unless you can enforce it, and always say no to the same things – don’t suddenly go all soft and let her have the sweets ‘just this once’

Reward her with a hug

So watch her to find out when the tantrums occur, and notice exactly what sets her off and the first things she does on the way to the battle. Notice also what happens just before she gives up. As likely as not she gets attention or escape. In the future give her the attention or freedom in response to some simple thing she can learn to do – smile, touch your arm, be quiet etc. When she takes the first step to the battleground, remove that attention or freedom - put her back in her chair, turn away from her. Tell her ‘No’ if necessary, and redirect her to something she can be rewarded for and as soon as she is performing as you want, reward her with a big smile, or a hug.

Be prepared to have your patience tried as she will resist, but a 2 year old can be expected to learn fast, though she will initially try your patience. If there is not effect from following this after a month, you may have a problem and may need to got to your GP for a referral to a psychologist. Alternatively please visit greatvine.com where you will find highly qualified child psychologists of whom you can arrange to speak to from the comfort and safety of your own home.

For help with development, speak with Bill Goodyear and other parenting experts at Greatvine.com