The loss of a loved one for a child can be incredibly overwhelming, confusing and disorientating and helping them through it requires a special kind of patience, love and understanding.

“When my little brother was three years old his mother - my step-mother - died in a car accident. What affected him most was not so much the loss of his mother as the sudden absence of his father, grandparents and siblings as they struggled to come to terms with their own grief.” Lorraine

How death affects children emotionally

Children process their emotions differently to adults and their reactions to death may not always seem appropriate. They may seem disinterested at first, other times they may switch from inconsolable sobbing one minute, to happily playing with friends the next.

Age is also a factor. Under 3’s find the reality difficult to grasp no matter how many times they’ve had it explained so expect lots of repeated questions. 5-10 year olds often feel guilty e.g. if they had tidied their toys this wouldn’t have happened. Meanwhile teenagers can feel intense rage combined with a sense of hopelessness about life in general.

All of this is normal. Signs your child may need additional support include becoming very withdrawn, overly clingy, self-destructive, antisocial, sleepless, and having nightmares.

No matter what their age avoid getting angry and keep the lines of communication open. They will need reassurance, someone to talk to, and lots of love.

Helping your child through

• Tell them as soon as possible - children pick up on changes in the home atmosphere immediately and delaying the inevitable will only makes it more painful.
• Be honest - death is confusing enough for children without trying to vanilla coat it. Explain it in simple and real terms using words like “dead” or has “died”. Do not make abstract references like “Mummy has gone away”, which is confusing.
• What to say if you are not religious
  While many children think of heaven or Jesus positively, some find the concept frightening. Why has Mummy gone to Jesus? Go with what is appropriate for your family.

“My Mum told me that Dad was a star watching over me when he died when I was 6. I’m still comforted by that idea today.” Zoe

• Give lots of hugs and kisses - your child will need additional reassurance that you love them and that you’re not going anywhere.
• Share your grief - it’s OK for you to cry and grieve in front of your child. It makes it easier for your child to process what’s happening and can be part of the healing process when you do it together.
• Encourage your child to talk - it’s important they don’t feel alone at this time, so let them ask as many questions as they need and if you don’t know the answers, say so.
• Inform people - particularly those closest to your child: teachers, friends’ parents and grandparents so that additional support can be provided if needed.
• Saying goodbye - be open about funeral preparations and involve your child. If it’s a cremation be clear about what this is. If they don’t want to go, don’t force it.

“My little brother did come to the funeral even though he was only 3. As he’s got older it’s been especially important to him to know he was there.” Lorraine

The early weeks

• Keep your routine as normal as possible especially with younger children who may be feeling disorientated by the sudden changes.
• Address any anxieties your child may be having like who will pick them up from school or take them to football. Make sure they know that there are adults around to love and support them.

Moving On

It is often when other people stop talking about their loved one that kids feel most isolated and alone, so keep talking and get out those photos and videos.

Offer your child a keepsake from that person’s life. Create a scrapbook or memory box, or even a special place.

“My Mum was cremated so we didn’t have somewhere to go as such. Instead my Dad had a bench erected outside the school where she worked. I still like just sitting there.” Matthew

Laugh and plan for the future. It doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten, but it will show your child that there is still something to look forward to.

Useful Resources

The Childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk addresses the needs of children and young people who have lost a loved one. Winstonswish.org.uk is particularly useful in terms of understanding what children may be going through psychologically, and how death affects different age groups.

For first hand-experiences the CBBC documentary “Children coping with death: Gone”, follows the stories of four children affected by death and how they got through it.