Thousands of children experience the break up of their families every year. Divorce and separation are potentially, profoundly harmful events in the lives of parents and their children.

Far from spelling the end of conflict, parenting charity Parentline Plus says the break up of a family can often move conflict into even more painful stages.  However, trauma doesn't have to be inevitable depending on how the family breakdown is managed.  In short, it's not that you separate that matters, but how.

Tips and hints on dealing with divorce and separation

• The earlier you ask for help, the better you and your children will manage the difficult task of family change. Families and friends, schools and GPs can offer support and help, if they know what is happening. Parentline 0808 800 2222 is available 24 hours a day for support and ideas on where to get more help (textphone 0800 783 6783).
• However angry adults may be with each other, don’t take it out on or through your children.
• Be honest with children about what is happening and going to happen. Trying to hide conflict or the fact of separation doesn’t protect them and may drive children away, convinced that parents lie and aren’t to be trusted.
• Balance honesty with being appropriate – don’t give them details that are better kept between adults. Children are stressed and emotionally harmed by being asked to take sides between parents.
• Children may feel angry or out of control but are often only able to show their feelings by ‘acting out’. Talking and acknowledging the difficulties, giving them time and attention and recognising when they get it right can help.
• Where it is safe, encouraging your ex-partner to be in frequent contact with their children, face to face or by phone, post or email, helps children.
• Children often show distress around meetings with a non-resident parent but unless there is evidence of harm or abuse, this is more likely to be because the child wants and needs more, not less, contact. Contact centres are neutral venues where non-resident parents can spend time with their children. Call the National Association of Child Contact Centres on 0845 4500 280.
• Children often blame themselves for family break up, thinking their behaviour or personality was the reason a parent left. Reassure your children that it was none of their doing and that their relationship with both parents should remain intact.
• Children will also frequently blame one or other parent, a sibling or stepparent for the break up. They may need help to talk through and work out such feelings.

Contact counts

Divorce and separation are major life changing events for the adults involved but they can also be very hurtful and stressful events in the lives of children.

Many parents separate. Whether unmarried or married, lesbian, gay or heterosexual, many couples with children come to a point in their lives where a decision is to be made to end a relationship. But ending the relationship does not mean an end to the parental relationship that adults have with their children.

Although you may think that the decision to break up suggests the end of conflict in a relationship, conflict often continues as you try to sort out arrangments around children, money and housing.

Disagreements may continue but the way that they are approached can make a difference to the way that your children experience the break up.

Kids and divorce - advice for parents

Parentline Plus has a useful guide called 'Parental Guidance: putting your children first - a guide for separating parents.'

The guide aims to help parents keep in touch with their children after separation by working out the best possible arrangements. ‘Putting your children first’ has been developed so it is an easily accessible resource, divided into clear sections to help parents think about all aspects of children’s lives after the break up of a marriage.
Copies of the guide are free of charge for parents. Professionals working with parents can also obtain copies free of charge.

Copies can be ordered from www.orderprocessor.co.uk.

Content supplied by Parentline Plus