You spend half your time nagging your kids for not listening to you, but how often do you really listen to them?

Do you know what they are thinking? What’s bothering them and how to help them express their feelings through words? If not, here’s how to get to grips with listening.

Why listen?

The key to good communication with your kids is being able to hear what’s needed, but it’s impossible to know what someone wants, if you don’t spend time listening to them. “The reality is parents fail to listen to their kids for a number of reasons,” says Judy Reith, parent coach (www.parentingpeople.co.uk) and author of 'Teach Yourself Motherhood'. “Sometimes they are too busy, too tired or have no energy and other times they don’t want to listen to what’s being said because it’s taking too long for the child to speak, or an emotional button is being pressed that irritates them.”

Why listening is vital

Yet good listening is vital for a good parent-child relationship. For starters if you want your kids to talk and listen to you when they are older, you have to start talking and listening with them now when they are young. What’s more, good listening is very connected to a child’s self-esteem and confidence

“Feeling heard makes a child feel valued, secure and respected” says Judy Reith “because it shows them their parents are interested in them, something research shows is a major difference between strong and troubled families.” Listening also teaches children how to listen to others, how to wait their turn to speak and gives them a climate of good listening skills that will particularly help them when they start school.

How to know if you’re a bad listener

“In a nutshell” says Judy, “your kids will tell you. If your kids say:
‘You never listen to me’ or ‘Mummy you’re not listening’ or you feel your children don’t tell you things, or open up to you, it’s likely you need to improve your listening skills. 

How to find out if something is bothering your child

You can use listening to find out what’s really going on with your child. If you’re worried that something is amiss try to listen to what’s not being said as young children cannot always say what they mean.

“Naming the feeling is a good way to show your child you are listening,” says Judy. For instance, if your child comes back from nursery telling you over and over that that another child has pushed him, give what he is saying a name i.e. “That’s not nice. Did that make you feel sad/angry/hurt?” It will reassure him that you understand what he’s feeling, have heard him clearly and that others will listen when he’s upset.

How to improve your listening skills

• Write down what you feel are the qualities of a good listener such as you feel you have someone’s attention, you feel good once you’ve spoken to them etc. These will help you to work on your own skills.
• Talk less. 'You've got two ears but only one mouth,' as the old saying goes. 
• Stop what you’re doing when your child talks to you (within reason). That’s stop multi-tasking, face your child and engage the listening part of your mind. You may have convinced yourself that you don’t have time but remind yourself you can’t afford not to listen.
• Try not to interrupt. It often takes young children ages to say what they want but they are learning how to get to grips with language and learning how to have a conversation. Also bear in mind, “If you continually interrupt them all you’re teaching them that it’s okay to do this when you’re speaking,” says parenting coach Judy Reith.
• Help your child to feel understood and heard by summarising what you have heard. It helps you clarify their needs and helps them to feel they are being taken seriously by you.