As kids grow the way you handle challenging behavior needs to evolve. Here are some top discipline tactics to suit the older child.

What is discipline?

Whatever their age, all children need boundaries and rules so they know what’s acceptable and what isn’t.  However, as your child grows older it's essential to adapt the way you discipline them to teach them about responsibility and consequences.

For example a five year old can grasp consequences to her actions whereas a four year old can’t, and a six year old can be more self-controlled about his behaviour than a five year old. This doesn’t mean plain sailing for you, but a more reasoned approach to discipline.

How to change your strategy

Try broadening your child’s view rather than just telling them what’s expected. For instance, talking about the effect of his/her behavior on others and the reasons behind rules can help your child understand why he/she has to stick to them.

“However,” warns Gill Hines, education consultant, “while you may want to relax some of your approaches do not to let the reins go entirely because though older kids still want your approval and will behave, things will radically shift when your child hits 11 years and starts to follow their peers. If you loosen the reins too much when they are under 10 you will have no bargaining power and won’t be able to get your kids to behave when they are older.”

How to discipline your growing child

1. Make your kids take responsibility for their behaviour - while it’s natural to want to save your kids from their mistakes, having them take responsibility for their actions and not blame someone else is essential in disciplining children if you don’t want them to repeat the same mistakes again. For example say: ‘If you make the choice to hit your sister there will be a consequence’.
2. Ask don’t tell them what they have done - if your child does something wrong, ask what they did (so they own up and acknowledge it) and then what should or could you have done differently? By getting your kids to consider what else they could have done, you’re showing helping them to see there is always more than one choice that will end in different way i.e. without getting him in trouble.
3. Ask what they are going to do to put this right? - Never let them get away with a sorry they don’t really mean and don’t just tell them off. There should always be some kind of consequence or sanction that encourages them to make amends such as calling someone up to apologise. It will make them think before doing it again.

What to avoid

1. Being inconsistent - it’s easy to let things slip with older kids. However, it’s essential to still be consistent about your rules and boundaries, otherwise you risk undermining your authority.
2. Losing it - older children are challenging and can tempt even a saint to lose control. If you feel you are losing it step away before you do something you’ll later regret. “The way I cope is to have a time out. I lock myself in the car for ten minutes and just breathe and chill till I feel calm enough to cope.” Rebecca, 35 mum to Sam, 10 and Ellie, 6.
3. Disagreeing with your partner - it’s also essential that you agree on a discipline strategy with your partner away from your kids and never argue about it in front of them. Older children are adept at knowing how to divide and rule.
4. Making threats you can’t follow through - it’s easy to make big threats when you’re angry but if you’re unable to follow through when you say, ‘Do that again and we’re going home’, then all you’re doing is weakening your power.
5. Thinking someone else will do it for you - good discipline begins in the home and is backed up at school. You can’t expect the school to get your child to behave if you don’t enforce rules and boundaries at home.

Where to go for help or more advice

It’s Not Fair: Parenting the challenging child by Gill Hines and Alison Baverstock (Piatkus books)

Parentline Plus www.parentlineplus.org.uk free 24-hour helpline for parents in need of advice or help  0808 800 2222 , an email support service and telephone groups where you can get together and talk with other parents in a similar situation.