Getting along with your ex isn’t always easy.  You may be a single mum, but if you're still bringing up children together it's important to find some common ground.

Ask any child about their ideal family and it's likely to be two parents living in harmony under one roof. Often it’s just not possible and separation is the way ahead, but it’s important to try and maintain a united front when it comes to dealing with children.

It can be hard, if five minutes in the same room means an argument or uncomfortable silence. But separated parents usually have a few important facts in common – they both love their children, want to put their needs first, and do their best to keep them happy and safe.

The practicalities

If parents are going their separate ways, the first step is to sort out the practicalities.

• In reality, this could mean moving house, changing nursery or school, even making a new start in a different area.
• It will also, almost certainly, have a financial impact which will need to be factored in to any new arrangements. 
• Even if the children stay in the family home, one parent will no longer be there full time.

Reassurance

For children of any age, uncertainty and change may make them feel insecure, frightened or even angry. So it’s important to reassure children that while their circumstances may have altered, it’s also true that mum and dad still love them and will be there for them.

• If possible, make sure both of you are there when you explain what is happening, to underline that both of you mean what you say.
• It’s important to be as honest as you can be – children need to be able to trust you to tell the truth about their new life. 
• There may also be formal or informal custody arrangements to stick to, which will affect how much time each parent spends with the children, what they do and where they sleep.

It’s always best, if possible, to decide fairly, amicably and quickly what the arrangements are and stick to them, so that everyone knows where they stand. Everyone will have their own idea of what works.

A mum's view

Jane, who has two daughters aged 6 and 4, split up with her children’s dad 18 months ago. “Martin wanted to be flexible, which in practice meant there would be weekends when he’d phone to say something had come up, but that he’d pop in during the week to compensate. It was very frustrating. I couldn’t make plans and was expected to let him turn up with no notice, while the girls would be upset and disappointed. In the end we had a frank chat, well out of earshot of the girls, about him keeping to the arrangements. These days he’s much better and understands how important regular arrangements are to us all. We get on much better too, which in turn makes us more likely being flexible with each other when the need arises. ”

Moving on

So how can you reach a point where good co-parenting is possible?

1. Let the bad feeling go. It’s hard to work together when you feel hurt, angry or betrayed. But remember, it’s not about your feelings or his behaviour. It’s about putting your children’s happiness above your recent and raw emotions, and it will become easier in time.
2. Keep your disagreements away from the kids. A verbal battle on the doorstep may worry or frighten your children, and it won’t make agreements any easier to reach. Bite your tongue and stay calm. You can always thump a pillow in frustration later.
3. Be fair and don’t judge your ex too harshly. You might have different views on parenting, but that doesn’t mean you can’t accommodate each other. A bit too much chocolate and occasional lateness is not too big a deal – but persistent problems, such as children exhausted by constant late bed times or weekends of junk food, should be nipped in the bud, as they will become your problems too if left unchecked. 
4. Bigger issues can, and should, be discussed together. It is vital to find a civil way to communicate, so that you can put your children’s needs first. You don’t need to agree on everything, but do need to find ways to compromise.
5. Pick your battles. Not everything is worth the fight, but you want to be able to stand your ground on the issues that really matter and know your point of view will be taken seriously. 
6. Remember that your kids will grow up happier and more secure knowing that you both love them. Kids do have a tendency to blame themselves when parents separate and it’s important that they can love you both equally even if you are not together. Encouraging them to take sides and encouraging them to blame one parent will not, in the end, make any of you happy. Supporting strong relationships with both parents will.

Co-parenting after separation is never easy but, with a lot of effort and give and take on both sides, the outcome is the best possible – happy, well-balanced children with a fantastic loving relationship with both parents.