How can I stay friends with my ex?

Your questions answered by Suzie Hayman of Greatvine.com

How can you stay friends with your ex for the sake of the kids?

Children desperately need both parents to be in her lives. They need to be loved by both Mum and Dad, to spend time with both Mum and Dad and to know both Mum and Dad will be their for them whenever they need them. As a single mum you may be angry with your ex and want them out of your life, or need to have them know just how disappointed you feel. But none of this should spill over into your child’s life.

There are two really important things you need to do to stay friends with your ex. The two of you need to go on being co-parents, doing your best together for the sake of your children, while acknowledging that you are no longer partners.

Draw a line

The first is to draw a line under your own relationship. Some ex partners go on being tied together, by anger and pain as much as they once were by love and care. This connection can be as powerful as the one they once had, but as destructive as the initial love was constructive.

You need to end and move on and sometimes the only way to do that is to finish the argument - to know you’ve said all you need to say and know it has been heard, and to hear what your ex needs to say too. An important part of this moving on may also lie in being able to recognise what once was good. Think about what you enjoyed and liked about your ex and your relationship, and then consider what went wrong, in both your eyes.

Talk it over - it helps to have a mediator (find one through National Family Mediation) or counsellor (try Relate) involved so you can be honest without it descending into a row. Alternatively visit www.greatvine.com and speak in confidence live and direct with a counsellor, mediator, and family therapist or divorce coach today.

Moving on

Once you can say “It was good and I’ll remember that, but now it’s over and I can accept that…” you’re ready to take the second step. This is to recognise that while your partnership is over and won’t return, you role as co-parents is here to stay, and for your children’s sake - and your own - you need to do this side by side rather than head to head. It often helps to have a mediator guide you through the conversation to set up agreements that will aid you in sharing parenting even when you don’t share a life or a home together.

The way to stay friends is to let go of any anger and pain over your own relationship and focus on what you need to go on doing together - to bring your children up feeling loved and supported by both of you.

Suzie Hayman

Suzie Hayman is a Relate-trained counselor; Triple P accredited parenting educator and ‘agony aunt’ with more than 20 years of experience. The author of 26 parenting and relationship books and a counselor on the BBC series ‘Stepfamilies’, Suzie offers parenting and relationship advice that works. For individual advice you can trust, book a private phone call with Suzie at www.greatvine.com/suzie_hayman