While In-vitro fertilisation (IVF) can offer hope if you’re struggling to conceive, the process can put a strain on even the strongest relationship. Although most couples agree the process is stressful, the extent to which it will affect you depends on a number of things including your personality; your health and fitness; any side effects you may experience from the fertility drugs; how many cycles of IVF you take and, of course, your relationship with your partner.
Sadly, some couples end up with their longed-for baby but with their relationship in tatters. Here’s what you need to know before going deciding to go ahead...
What happens in IVF?
You’ll be given fertility drugs to increase egg production and then your eggs will be removed. Your partner provides a sperm sample which is added to several eggs in a dish in a lab. If his sperm fertilises the eggs, one or more embryos will be put back into your womb where they will hopefully implant and result in a healthy pregnancy.
Things to consider before you go ahead
Continuous medical intervention, high expectations and disappointments can leave you feeling like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster so it's vital to make the decision to have IVF as a couple. Discuss in detail exactly how far you're prepared to go to have a baby. Ask each other these questions...
Would we consider adoption?
If you really want to be parents, this could be another option.
Can we afford it?
Although women under 40 get one free IVF attempt on the NHS, discuss how many further attempts, costing £4,000-£8,000, you could afford. Although success rates are rising, IVF still fails more than it succeeds. Success rates vary from clinic to clinic and age is a factor too – if you’re under 35 the live birth rate for each IVF cycle is 30-35 percent; falling to 25 percent for women aged 35-37, 15-20 percent for women aged 38-40, and 6-10 percent for women over 40.
Can we face all the medical intervention?
IVF involves lots of hospital appointments, with many tests and procedures. Make sure you both know exactly what's involved.
Is our relationship strong enough?
Even the happiest couples find this time stressful so if cracks are showing already ask yourself if your relationship is strong enough to survive.
Be prepared
If you decide to go for it, planning ahead can make you more prepared for the key stressful times.
Be aware that fertility drugs, which you'll be taking for the first half of your menstrual cycle, can make you feel irritable and egg extraction can be painful. Similarly, some men find providing a sample awkward. Be prepared for lots of agonising waits too – to see if the egg and sperm produce healthy embryos, then whether a healthy pregnancy follows after the embryos are implanted. And if your attempt is unsuccessful, be aware that disappointment could lead to you blaming each other.
Support each other
If the fertility problem lies with your partner, chances are his confidence will be low. Many men see it as a slur on their virility, so he'll need lots of reassurance from you. He may also feel embarrassed about having to repeatedly provide sperm samples, or feel like a spare part in the whole process. So talk to him and involve him.
Similarly, struggling to get pregnant can make you feel less of a woman. If the fertility drugs are making you feel low tell your partner so they understand any irrational tears or anger. Constant medical intervention may also leave you feeling in need of more help around the home, too.
Where to get help
As well as talking through your concerns at the counselling sessions provided by most clinics, think about joining a support group. Talking to others going through the same thing can be a huge help. Visit www.infertilitynetworkuk.com
- IVF explained
- Is IVF right for you?
- Common fertility myths
- Talk to others who are trying to conceive
