'Trying to Conceive' authour Michaela Ryan tells Bounty mums how she overcame her fertility problems when she dealt with the underlying emotional issues.
I recently interviewed 15 women and men who – like me – overcame fertility troubles once they dealt with their emotional issues. I put these stories together in my book Trying to Conceive – True Stories of How Couples Overcame Infertility. These true stories are backed up by studies which show a link between our emotions and our fertility. Some members of the forums here have sent in questions for me to answer, so here goes.
Minihaha 1972 asks: “I would be interested to hear what emotional changes the author made to her lifestyle that made conception possible…”
Firstly, I was in a very stressful job. I could see an obvious impact on my health. When my contract ended, I took a job which offered me a lot more balance. My health improved but still I wasn’t becoming pregnant. There were deeper issues which needed resolving.
The first issue I had to move past was my desperation. I felt I would not be happy until I had a baby. My life was on hold. I put off an overseas trip, I put off planning my next career moves. I had a lot of time to focus on my desperation to be a mother!
There was another issue at play however. Deep down, part of me felt terrified about becoming a mother. I was afraid of making the same mistakes my parents made. I was afraid the child would whinge constantly and take away my sleep-ins and couple-time. This was the other layer I had to face up to: did I really want to have children?
In the end I got sick of my mental gymnastics. I decided I definitely did want a baby! But in the meantime I was going to cherish time with my husband, and enjoy life in the present. I booked our overseas trip. I planned some medium-term career projects. It no longer mattered to me how long it took to conceive. Later that month, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test for the first time.
Geraldine asks: “I'm very lucky to have my 19 months old daughter. We've been trying for our 2nd baby for a year and had 2 miscarriages since. It has brought a lot of stress in our relationship and life… Would you recommend a way not to stress about TTC and be more relaxed about it or would you say that in those situations it's best to take a break from it all?”
Response: If TTC is taking you both down, it’s a good indicator that something has to change. Sometimes lifestyle changes can help. Sometimes deeper emotional issues need to be healed. Only you and your husband will know what is needed, Geraldine.
Some ladies I interviewed for my book found that a break from TTC gave them a chance to catch their breath. They came closer as a couple without conception dominating the landscape. Their physical relationship became more enjoyable; their evening conversation returned to normal.
In some cases there were deeper issues going on… relationship difficulties, a woman’s fear of miscarrying again, sometimes unresolved issues from a person’s childhood. The issues were totally individual. People need to follow their own intuition about the best way to resolve those issues. Some of my interviewees sought help from therapists, others opened up with a trusted friend or family member. Some couples just needed to start loving each other again.
Kelly asks: “I had a subchoronic haematoma in my first pregnancy… I was never given an explanation as to why this occured… Despite the horrendous last pregnancy I would like to ttc another but am wary of what my chances will be.”
Response: If you need to know more about your previous condition, it’s important to speak with a qualified medical professional. Address any physical issues that you can. However, we are made up of mind, body and spirit. If you can look after yourself and your partner emotionally, that will also go a long way.
Love,
Michaela x
For more info: Trying to Conceive – True Stories of How Couples Overcame Infertility (Vermilion, 2009, RRP £10.99)
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