A miscarriage is sadly an all too common event that occurs in one in five pregnancies, usually within the first 13 weeks of pregnancy.

While doctors can help you medically, the days and weeks afterwards can be very difficult, and the emotional impact could affect your relationship as you come to terms with your loss.

Miscarriage and relationships

Miscarriage can affect relationships in a number of ways.  Not only are you grieving for your loss, but if your miscarriage was early, it's likely that you hadn't yet told anyone you were pregnant.  This can lead to both of you feeling isolated, especially if you feel unable to discuss what has happened with each other.

“I felt terribly guilty after the miscarriage and very alone. We hadn’t told our families I was pregnant as I was only 8 weeks and so felt unable to tell anyone we had miscarried. As a result I felt I couldn’t let rip with my feelings so downplayed how it had affected me. This made my husband Ian feel as if he had to also pretend everything was okay. It was a very lonely time for both of us.” Emma, 30

How we express and experience our grief can also lead to problems and misunderstandings.  For instance, your partner may feel angry about the miscarriage, while you feel sad.  Or he may wonder why it's taking you so long to come to terms with it, while you feel resentful that he seems to be over it so quickly.

“At first we didn’t discuss what had happened as I felt no-one apart from me felt that it was that great a loss especially as everyone kept saying how common a miscarriage was. It was only when Andy and I discussed trying again about 6 weeks later that he admitted how devastated he felt and how afraid he was to try again.” Alice, 30

Why talking helps

Talking can help in a number of ways:

• It will help clear up any misunderstandings and assumptions you both have.
• It can help sexual tensions emerging, especially if one of you associates sex with comfort and loving, and the other with pregnancy.
• It will help bring you closer as a couple so you can prioritise what you want and need in your relationship.

If talking feels impossible, try to remember that you can help each other even if you're both experiencing different emotions - and be open to listening to what your partner feels and needs.

Men in particular sometimes find it difficult to express their grief openly.  Many say they feel helpless after a miscarriage because they are unable to make things better for their partner - and fear they may make things worse if they express how they are feeling.

To help each other be aware that:

• There is no timescale for grief.  It's common to feel 'over' what's happened then feel overwhelmed by sadness some time after the event, or around what would have been your 'due' date.
• Grief can't be rushed, not matter how much you want it to be over, or how much you want your partner to feel better.
• You will both get past it.  As Sarah, 35 says:

“The way I think of it now is if I hadn’t miscarried during my first pregnancy, I wouldn’t have the daughter I have now and I can’t imagine my life without her.”

Miscarriage help and support

• For information about 'late' miscarriage, which occurs after 14 weeks, click here.
• The Miscarriage Association Helpline 01924 200799 can offer support, information and advice.