Is discipline a dirty word for you? Does the word conjure up smacks and strictness, or a firm but fair strategy?

Do you believe it’s wrong to tell children off or it’s never too soon to start setting boundaries? Here’s what you need to know about discipline and your child.

What is discipline?

Discipline may conjure up images of telling offs but in reality it’s about setting boundaries for behaviour. You may dream of never raising your voice against your child, but if you want your children to behave you need to show them how. “The way kids learn is they do stuff, we react to it and they learn what not to do. If there is no reaction from you, they won’t learn anything”, warns Gill Hines education consultant and author of the parenting book, Its Not Fair (Piatkus books). “Don’t try to be their best friend and /or feel they won’t like you if you say no. Discipline is not a dirty word and it won’t squash who they are.”

What’s the right age to start introducing discipline?

“It’s never too early to start setting boundaries for rules and behaviour”, says Gill. From the age of three years old children can start to understand why for instance they shouldn’t run into the road, or push another child. “However,” warns Gill, “People now feel a good parent always reasons and talks about problems at length but with young children reasoning doesn’t work, they don’t understand and if you have a long conversation about it they will stop listening." For effective discipline Gill suggests, keeping language simple, clear and explanations short.

Here are a few discipline techniquest for your 3-5 year old:

Naughty step

The naughty step (or a time out area) is a place where a child can be put when she has broken a rule or boundary to reflect on her behaviour. How it works:

• You warn your child when she does something wrong that if she does it again she’ll have to sit on the naughty step or go into time out.
• If she repeats the behaviour, you place her in the area for a set time (usually one minute for every year of her age).
• After the time is over, you sit down with her and explain why you put her there, ask her to apologize, give her a cuddle and then move on.

“My big tip is not to let your child put themselves on the step. It takes away your control of the situation and puts them in charge. The whole point is for you, the parent to choose when they go on the step as that’s the disciplining part.” Dawn 38, mum to Thomas, 3.

Reward charts

Reward charts work by parents choosing behaviours that their child needs to work on.  For each instance of good behaviour the child will receive a sticker or mark on the chart, and at the end of the week a reward of some kind. Reward charts work best with children who are aged three years and older as they are beginning to understand which behaviours are acceptable and which are not.

Positive discipline

This is about giving them lots of approval when they are behaving well. “Children really want your approval and attention,” says Gill, “but the reality is when a kid is behaving well, playing by themselves or watching TV, parents tend to go off and do something that needs to be done, so kids then have to do something bad to get attention. It’s instinctive behaviour that all children, get driven too.”

How to discipline your 3-5 year old

1. Set clear boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable. These should be constant. For instance, hitting siblings/throwing food/pushing another child is always wrong.
2. Always implement a consequence for a broken boundary. Perhaps disapproval, time out, or the naughty step (see above).
3. Make sure your child needs to know this consequence in advance. For example: ‘If you hit your sister again, you will go on the naughty step.’
4. Be consistent about implementing your rules/boundaries, otherwise your child will soon learn not to take you seriously.
5. Make sure your rules are followed when you’re not around by speaking to your child’s nursery or childcare provider and grandparents.

Further help

www.parentlineplus.org.uk offer a free 24-hour confidential helpline - 0808 800 2222, an email support service and telephone groups where you can get together and talk with other parents in a similar situation.