A new parent's guide to Christmas

Your questions answered by Dr Angharad Rudkin of Greatvine.com

"This is my first Christmas with our new baby. My in-laws are visiting and I'm panicking about getting everything done. I want it to be a special day, not a disaster!"

Your first Christmas will be a very special day. It will also be a more relaxing and pleasant day for you if you manage your expectations. By this, I mean you won’t be able to do all the things you used to do before baby came and your day will inevitably be structured by your baby rather than by you and the family. So:

Accept that it will be different and work out with your partner what you can realistically do.
Draw up a list of all the things that need to be done before Christmas day and on Christmas day. Prioritise these tasks, then work out between you who does what (remembering that your in-laws can also help out with these tasks).
You will want to remember this Christmas for being fun, so balance how much work you’re doing with how much time you’re spending chatting on the sofa and playing with your little one. There is no room for perfection here, so just set yourself the target of being “good enough”.
If you’re worried about what your in-laws are expecting then ask you partner to chat with them, letting them know that everyone’s going to help out for dinner for example.
Give yourself plenty of time to get the presents and shopping – even getting something every week between now and Christmas.
And finally, take lots of photos and videos as, yes, this will be a very special day.

"My partner wants us, and our families, to buy lots of presents for our baby this Christmas. I just want to put some money in the bank for her, and of course give her a couple of presents. What's the best thing to do?"

Christmas highlights people’s differences in a number of ways, and their views on presents is just one of them. Some value the 'real-ness' of a wrapped up present, others prefer the less tangible, but no less valuable, quality of money.

Let your partner know that you respect their opinion, but that yours is different, then work out a compromise together. For example, your partner could buy presents while you put money in the bank for your baby. Or your partner’s family could buy presents while you ask yours for money for your baby.
Alternatively, you can give your families the choice. Little babies do not have a concept of special days yet (every day is special to them!) so they won’t miss out by not having lots of presents to open. Babies tend to prefer the boxes rather than the presents themselves anyway!
The important thing here is that you and your partner chat together, discuss your differences, accept them and work out a middle ground. This will be great practice for all the negotiation you’re going to be doing together over the next 18 years and beyond as parents.

"We're travelling up to my parents this Christmas with our 6 month old twins. Help!"

As parents of twins, I am sure that you will already have overcome situations that you never dreamt possible before! So, staying with your parents for Christmas will just be another of those challenges for you to achieve. The key here is to plan, and not to panic. Break things down in to little steps rather than seeing them as one un-manageable whole.

Start writing lists early about the essentials and the desirables.
Check with your parents what they will have at their house so that you don’t need to duplicate.
If possible, aim to travel at a quiet time so that you don’t sit in traffic. Some parents find that driving at night means that they can do the usual bedtime routine but then put the kids to sleep in the back of the car, while you drive through quiet roads.
If you do feel waves of panic as the journey approaches, ask yourself what it is that you are most scared of. Once you have worked this out (e.g. “I might forget something really important, which means that my children will have a terrible time”) imagine what your best friend would say about that worry (e.g. “Don’t worry – shops are open all over Christmas so there is nothing that you can’t get. And how could your children have a terrible time when they’re surrounded by doting parents and grandparents?”).
Once you have reasoned with yourself, distract yourself or try some relaxation to de-stress your body. Most importantly, make sure that you treat yourself over Christmas.
Accept any help you’re offered by your family and take time to have nice long baths, a walk by yourself or curl up to watch your favourite Christmas film.

Dr Angharad Rudkin

Dr Angharad Rudkin is a Chartered Clinical Child Psychologist with over 10 years of experience working with children and families. She has a doctorate in Clinical Psychology from Oxford and provides therapy within the NHS and privately.
Dr Rudkin specialties include adolescent anxiety, and depression, stemming from bereavement, divorce and other life events. For individual advice by phone book a private call with Dr Angharad Rudkin at www.greatvine.com/angharad_rudkin