Understanding tantrums

terrible twos

Is your child suffering from the terrible twos?

If so you’re not alone, 75% of toddlers regularly lose it, so don’t despair, understanding why tantrums occur and what you can do to deal with them, is the key to stopping them in their tracks.

What is a tantrum?

Aside from being a very public display of your parenting skills, a tantrum is really about your child realising that he/she is a separate person, with their own voice and views who doesn’t want to be told what to do by anyone i.e. you, his/her friends, relatives or even grandparents. For this reason when your child feels out of control for any reason, they become overwhelmed by their feelings, and experience a flood of emotions, which triggers a tantrum.

How spot the signs of a tantrum

  1. Look for signs of tiredness and/or hunger. Toddlers are simple creatures and so are always more likely to become overwhelmed and fly into a rage if he/she is exhausted or hungry, causing a toddler tantrum. Remember they don’t always know what they are feeling and so can’t tell you what they need.
  2. Look for signs of increasing stress. Especially when you are rushing your child. Pushing a child to go faster than they are ready to (whether that’s to get him/her out the door or to act in a grown up way) will cause an emotional meltdown in much the same way in does when we’re pushed to go beyond our limits.
  3. Look for signs of impending anger. A toddler’s desire to gain control over his/her life is huge, and constantly being told no is the perfect recipe for a mammoth tantrum. Be sure you’re saying no for their sake and not just to make your life easier.
  4. Looks for signs of growing frustration. This will always feed into a tantrum because your child cannot understand why he/she can’t do something she wants to like climb onto the table, watch more television or even share his/her toys.
  5. Look for signs of distress. A rage can also be triggered by anxiety especially when you are leaving without them, or when another child is encroaching on their space. Diffuse the situation by preparing your child for what’s going to happen, or diverting their attention from whoever is distressing them.

How to cope with tantrums

  1. The best way to curb tantrums is to give your child a feeling of being in control. “Give a choice within a choice”, advises health visitor Emma Leigh, “Say would you like to hold my hand or hold on to the pushchair when we go shopping? Would you like to wear the red t-shirt or the green one? This will give your child a feeling they have some control over the situation and make them less likely to throw wobbly.”
  2. Don’t take it personally. Remind yourself that a tantrum is not about you it’s about your child being overwhelmed, so hard as it is keep your voice calm and your body language relaxed. Speak in a low voice, don’t try to pick them up (unless they are in danger) and reassure your child that they will be fine. “Naming the emotion can also help here”, says clinical psychologist Linda Blair. “ Say: ‘I know you’re angry/upset because X happened, but you’re okay, we’ll sort it out. Mummy is here’, and they will start to calm down.”
  3. To solve a tantrum don’t try reasoning. “Trying to approach a child’s rage logically won’t work”, says Emma Leigh. “Toddlers aren’t logical and when they are mid-tantrum so don’t want to talk. Your best bet is to divert their attention away from what’s upsetting them, give them a cuddle (if they’ll let you) and distract them. Luckily they have short attention spans so can be sidetracked easily.”

Some children do have whoppers when it comes to tantrums and though exhausting aren’t a problem, unless:

  1. They try to hurt themselves when in a rage – while breath holding, and hitting themselves are common, consult your GP for advice if you’re worried.
  2. Try to hurt you mid tantrum - always worth talking to your health visitor about in case they hurt siblings or other children

What not to do:

  1. Don’t get angry too, adding your emotions to the mix will just make the situation worse.
  2. Don’t punish tantrums – it won’t solve anything. The key is to understand what has triggered the rage and deal with that.
  3. Don’t think cuddling your child post tantrum is condoning the behaviour. A raging child is upset and overwhelmed and needs comforting by you.
  4. Don’t worry what other people think, especially in public. They don’t know you or your child.
  5. Don’t bribe your child out of a tantrum it won’t teach them anything.

More tantrum advice

 

Comments

my 5 month old has just been starting having really huge crying/screaming fits when we go out; basically, he wants out of the push chair and have a good nose around! This sounds like a great thing but I cannot carry him around all day; I always feel embarrassed when this happens in public and yes, like people are judging my parenting skills. I also feel like a rubbish mother and find the tantrum frustrating. I will try to remain calm which I think I am not doing at the moment.
This article doesn't really help me. What do you do in the case of a 14 month old who understands less than a 2 year old?
My baby is 15 months old and he rarely has tantrums. Before he was 1 year old, my husband and I borrowed from the library a book called "Tamtrums, understanding and coping with your child's emotions" by Eileen Hayes. It is one of the most valuable books we have read on parenting skills. It helps to understand what constitutes a tantrum, the triggers and how to prevent them. It also provides advice and tips to make our children more contented. I throughly recommend this book!
My 13 months old boy started to have tantrums and yesterday it was really clear. He wanted to climb in the sofa to switch the lights on and off. I didnt let him and he hits his head on the floor many times. At some point I let him do what he wanted and he was so happy and when I took him out of the sofa again he started screaming and hit his head again. The issue is that he is too young and I dont really think he understand things yet so how can I explain things to him?
Hiya. My baby boy is now 20months old. He does make tantrums but I try not to be mad and I calm him down. But after reading this article, I feel that Im doing well but there are a few more things to do to cope with it. Thanks Bounty.
I have Twins girls who are 20months old now and one of my twins has a very bad tantrums and it isn't fair on her sister that she was getting all the attention so at first i didn't know what to do but now i don't give her the attention and i tell her no and it does seem to work but i've also started using reverse Psychology on her and her tantrums have calmed down alot and now she is alot happier playing with her sister and everyone who is around her i hope this helps everyone
my wee boy is 14 months and the last few weeks has started to have tantrums- he will bite kick and hit-when i tell him he bold he hits back and screamms so hard he sounds like he is throat im worried and im getting so stressed i dont no how to cope
my 14 month old daughter is the same, she has even managed to give me a black eye! i dont have all the answers but the only thing i do is let her know that she wont get attention when she behaves this way, and i back this up by praising her when she stops. i hope this phase doesnt last for a long time.
i have a 4 year old and she is always having a tantrum i've tryed to talk to her but i dont seem to get anywhere with her is there any information you could give me to try and carm her tantrums down
My son (14 month) has been brushing his teeth for a few months now and loves it. I tend to give him is tooth brush when he is in the bath and I also brush my teeth at the same time so he mimics me. He will often try and brush my teeth too with his brush which he finds very funny! Hope this helps
 

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