Is your child suffering from the terrible twos?

If so you’re not alone, 75% of toddlers regularly lose it, so don’t despair, understanding why tantrums occur and what you can do to deal with them, is the key to stopping them in their tracks.

What is a tantrum?

Aside from being a very public display of your parenting skills, a tantrum is really about your child realising that he/she is a separate person, with their own voice and views who doesn’t want to be told what to do by anyone i.e. you, his/her friends, relatives or even grandparents. For this reason when your child feels out of control for any reason, they become overwhelmed by their feelings, and experience a flood of emotions, which triggers a tantrum.

How spot the signs of a tantrum

1. Look for signs of tiredness and/or hunger. Toddlers are simple creatures and so are always more likely to become overwhelmed and fly into a rage if he/she is exhausted or hungry, causing a toddler tantrum. Remember they don’t always know what they are feeling and so can’t tell you what they need.
2. Look for signs of increasing stress. Especially when you are rushing your child. Pushing a child to go faster than they are ready to (whether that’s to get him/her out the door or to act in a grown up way) will cause an emotional meltdown in much the same way in does when we’re pushed to go beyond our limits.
3. Look for signs of impending anger. A toddler’s desire to gain control over his/her life is huge, and constantly being told no is the perfect recipe for a mammoth tantrum. Be sure you’re saying no for their sake and not just to make your life easier.
4. Looks for signs of growing frustration. This will always feed into a tantrum because your child cannot understand why he/she can’t do something she wants to like climb onto the table, watch more television or even share his/her toys.
5. Look for signs of distress. A rage can also be triggered by anxiety especially when you are leaving without them, or when another child is encroaching on their space. Diffuse the situation by preparing your child for what’s going to happen, or diverting their attention from whoever is distressing them.

How to cope with tantrums

1. The best way to curb tantrums is to give your child a feeling of being in control. “Give a choice within a choice”, advises health visitor Emma Leigh, “Say would you like to hold my hand or hold on to the pushchair when we go shopping? Would you like to wear the red t-shirt or the green one? This will give your child a feeling they have some control over the situation and make them less likely to throw wobbly.”
2. Don’t take it personally. Remind yourself that a tantrum is not about you it’s about your child being overwhelmed, so hard as it is keep your voice calm and your body language relaxed. Speak in a low voice, don’t try to pick them up (unless they are in danger) and reassure your child that they will be fine. “Naming the emotion can also help here”, says clinical psychologist Linda Blair. “ Say: ‘I know you’re angry/upset because X happened, but you’re okay, we’ll sort it out. Mummy is here’, and they will start to calm down.”
3. To solve a tantrum don’t try reasoning. “Trying to approach a child’s rage logically won’t work”, says Emma Leigh. “Toddlers aren’t logical and when they are mid-tantrum so don’t want to talk. Your best bet is to divert their attention away from what’s upsetting them, give them a cuddle (if they’ll let you) and distract them. Luckily they have short attention spans so can be sidetracked easily.”

Some children do have whoppers when it comes to tantrums and though exhausting aren’t a problem, unless:

1. They try to hurt themselves when in a rage – while breath holding, and hitting themselves are common, consult your GP for advice if you’re worried.
2. Try to hurt you mid tantrum - always worth talking to your health visitor about in case they hurt siblings or other children

What not to do:

1. Don’t get angry too, adding your emotions to the mix will just make the situation worse.
2. Don’t punish tantrums – it won’t solve anything. The key is to understand what has triggered the rage and deal with that.
3. Don’t think cuddling your child post tantrum is condoning the behaviour. A raging child is upset and overwhelmed and needs comforting by you.
4. Don’t worry what other people think, especially in public. They don’t know you or your child.
5. Don’t bribe your child out of a tantrum it won’t teach them anything.

More tantrum advice

• What's the best way to deal with twin tantrums in a public place? Emma Mahony explains.
• How I really deal with tantrums - we all know what we should do, but it's not always that easy, as Jo Middleton reveals.
• On the move?  How to cope with travel tantrums.
• Worried it might be more than just the terrible twos?  Bill Goodyear is here to help.