Dear Leon
I know at three you’re not a ‘baby’, but you’ll always be my baby.
Your chubby little legs and newborn cries have been replaced by you naming your planes and dancing around the room to the songs I listened to when you were still a nameless baby kicking around inside my tummy.
At that time I couldn’t wait to meet you and I wished those months away like you’d blow on a dandelion –carelessly with a huge sense of impatience. And when you were born and placed into my arms for the first time, I wished you’d grow up just enough to give me your first smile.
And for that I’m sorry.
In fact there are things that I have done and wished for in the past three years since you’ve been in my life that I want to apologise for. I know from reading countless books and many posts that it’s totally normal to feel like I’m not doing the best I can, but bear with me little man, there are a few things I want to say.
1. I’m sorry for the time I panicked I wouldn’t be able to provide for you – and for my roots!
Because everyone tells you that ‘children aren’t cheap’, that your trips to the hairdressers or shops will be no more and that you’ll need to spend every penny you have on nappies and milk and clothes – and that’s just at newborn stage. I worried that I wasn’t selfless enough to put those needs first, that the temptation of those shoes would be enough to make me cave. But seeing you in that first baby grow and your first pair of dungarees was more fulfilling than any shoe or hairdo – I’m sorry for the roots little man, but your first shoes come first!
2. I’m sorry I panicked that you wouldn’t grow up in a stable environment
But now it’s just me and you it feels like together we can conquer the world. You with your strong independent personality and a sense of humour to rival the best comedians makes me feel that with you by my side I can – want – to do everything to make whatever it is, happen. And you’re doing perfectly growing into a little man who I’m already so proud of.
3. I’m sorry I worried that I wouldn’t love you enough
Because I thought that when people talked about the love you had for a child it was exaggerated. I didn’t believe that there could be a feeling like this, a feeling so consuming that I’d fight until the death before letting anything happen to you. It may have taken a little bit more time – that ‘rush of love’ that people describe didn’t come immediately – but now there’s nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for you.
4. I’m sorry for the times I get far too excited
I know every time I plan a day out for us you have to hear about it all the time. I know you think I’m mad with my sleep countdowns and the way I manically stick my iPhone in front of you with a Youtube video of where we’re going, when all you want to do is read, but seeing your little face light up when we finally reach our destination is better than any Christmas or Birthday present I’ve ever had.
5. And a sorry for the future…
By now I think you’ll know you’re my world and as you get older and our bond gets stronger – as it does every minute – I have high hopes for your future. I want to say sorry now for pushing you when you don’t want to do your homework and for the times I’ll get frustrated when you won’t eat your veg. And further down the line if I become the mother-in-law from hell when I don’t agree with your latest partner. Humour me little man – you know you’ll always make the right choices and if you don’t, then we’ll work it out together.
Just like we always do.